Wednesday, December 26, 2012


Christmas was so fun! We went to Arizona to spend time with my family. It was alot of fun! We had our Christmas party on Sunday night and opened all the presents because my oldest sister wasn't going to make it on Christmas day. Everything was so fun! From white elephant gifts, to Amrielle getting her cute gifts and Saylor at her first Christmas. Patrick and I didn't get each other anything, both of what we want is expensive and we didn't want to spend that much all at once so we are waiting to get them, I desperately want a sewing machine! And he wants this new steering wheel that he races with. His other one is all broken and won't shift I really hope we can get that soon.

The presents we got were so amazing from family members. I can't believe that we have such loving people all around us! It really reminds you. I also loved taking presents with all of my family packed in a van with all the seats taken out and having mike and Patrick run all the secret Santa gifts to peoples homes while we sang carols in the car. Amrielle felt like she needed to lead the music and sing along and it was the most adorable thing ever. With her red and pink striped pajamas, white hat and big red and white boy just enjoying the Christmas spirit just made it all the more special.

I just want to say, that I love my little Amrielle. My 1.5 year old daughter, the oldest in the family, the spunkiest, sweetest, funniest, loveliest, and most amazing little girl. She is so smart. She already talks alot, she says Mama, Dada, Nana, Brayee (brady) Sayer (saylor) Outside, Bye, See Ya, No, Night Night, Baba, And all the animal sounds from farm animals, to jungle animals, to water animals ( turtle, fish) she is so smart, She already tries to count and says in the same tone as one, two, three, she makes up words. I love her, she is a doll, she throws Saylor's diapers away for me when I ask, She is my little one. And I love her. I think a big reason Patrick and I are going to wait so long to have more kids is because we really feel like we missed alot of Amrielle's life. We have to slow down. We need to savor these moments of being with two babies and seeing past all of the naughtiness and see that Amrielle is a baby too. And that she needs held like baby, and cuddled. It makes me sad that it seems she has to grow up faster because Saylor was born. I want Amrielle to know that she is the best little girl in the world. That I love her and want to  teach and help her be what ever she wants to be, I love you Amrielle. So much.

Saylor, you are my little chubby monster! I love you so much, my teeny baby that  is 10 months old but looks like 6 months, I love you little tweety bird! And your high pitched screams that sounds like birds singing! I love your little bossyness and I love your cheeks! I love that we can just love you and that is all you need. I love that you love Amrielle and think she is so funny, I love that you sit up now on your own, and I love that you can't tell what color your eyes are, I love you! and I am so glad we get to be on this journey of getting to know you as much as we know Amrielle.

Patrick, you, are my everything. I can't wait to be sealed to you in the temple of the Lord. I can't wait to see where all of our choices take us! I am so excited to share my life with you. And I am glad we still have things to learn about each other. And that we still of lessons to learn. I love you patrick. I love you, I love you, I love you. Thank you for being my man. And I would go with you. Everywhere and Anywhere. I love you. Your low voice your dimples, your smile, your wide eyes, your curly hair, I love you patrick, more.

And as for everyone else, thank you for being my friends, family and anything in between. Thank you for your prayers and for making this year a year that I lived through. Best year ever! Pictures later!

Monday, August 20, 2012

How do you make a heaven on earth?

welllllllllllllllllllllll... where do I start?

- appendics ruptured?

- pre mature baby Saylor?

- looking for an apartment?

- living at father in laws?

Yeah, I don't really want to talk about any of those things. I just want to talk about singing.

I freaking miss singing. I sing in my head because I can't sing out loud because I will wake my babies. it sucks. I  miss singing, playing my guitar and writing dramatic songs. But now the drama I face is on a whole new level. No one wants to hear about getting thrown up on, or trying to find something for dinner, or not having any money. I'm not a country singer. So I want to say, I want to sing. For a long time. And I may want singing lessons.

I also, started exercising. I love it. It's challenging and fun. And I love Leandro, he is such a motivator:) And I lost over 7 pounds in like 2 weeks. It's great!

Marriage. Freaking hard. I never knew it would be so hard. I don't think I am very good at it. I want everything to be perfect, but, I don't want to try. It's awful. Being a lazy romantic is just not fun.

Apartment shopping. excited about that. I love finding a new place and making it my own. I just hope this next one is nice and fits our personalities.

Babies. Saylor and Amrielle. I love you girls. Saylor you are adorable! Amrielle you are beautiful and so smart and such a cute personality! I love both of you!

Patrick. We have two kids. CRAZY! No Wonder we are stressed.

Over all my testimony has been "tested" my happiness has been thwarted, and my stress levels have jumped sky high, I really think Patrick and I screwed ourselves by not choosing the right. We have had so many challenges that I never would have dreamed of. It's so hard to try to be better when you feel like you always make mistakes and God doesn't really want to help you. But knowing deep in side that He does and always loves you. It's crazy here at the Gatewood's. But I know.... think... hope... that everything will even out in the end. Heaven. I hope that I make it to heaven. We won't worry about finances, children being naughty, sickness,  food, anything worldly. I want that so bad. How do you make a heaven on earth? Somebody show me how.

I rambled, but I am a mom of two pretty much infants. That aren't twins. There's alot on this mind of mine:)

Monday, January 30, 2012

When is it okay to ask for help?

When is it okay to ask for help?

Lately, things have been a little stressful, my (almost) 8 month old daughter Amrielle, as sweet as she is, is completely exhausting me! She is teething again and her teething process, involves ALOT of bratty behavior. She is fussy and cries/screams and always wants to be held. I think I mentioned some of this in my last post... It seems to get worse at night. But I think it's just because I am at the end of my rope.

This is where my question lies. I ask my husband for some help, some support, at these difficult times of her screaming. He can see in my face that I am stressed out and I have had enough. That I have dealt with this behavior ALL day and I am tired and I need a break. BUT He has just gotten home from work. He finally gets to rest himself and do something he wants to do. Have his own alone time. And I feel helpless. I feel guilty asking for help when he has been working hard all day just like me. But T\to be honest I really thought I needed a break. I needed to get AWAY! Being a stay at home mom, is thee most delightfully, terrible, fun, challenging, rewarding, kill yourself, job (I think) in the whole work force. The days are monotonous, yet you deal with different challenges every minute. It's like being bored all day, yet having to keep on your toes!

"Is she choking!?"
"What are you chewing on?"
"Don't touch that!"
"Are you hungry?"
"Pippin (our dog) Don't lick her, give her your nasty toys to play with, or knock her over!"

And much more. One challenge today, is we ran out of diapers. BOO. I thought I had at least one diaper I could put her in to go to the store. And I did. but it was an infant diaper that has the little umbilical cord scoop in the front... yeah, holds up to like 8lbs. You remember. She looked like she was wearing bikini underware, and not even cute ones. Yucky white, tight, nasty, tiny diaper. These diapers are 8 months old, and were stuffed away in a little box, I can't believe I even found one, or had one much less from her infanthood.

So I stuff her in her little diaper, and tote her to the car. She throws a fit having to get in her carseat, arching her back, screaming, stiff as a board won't sit down unless you break her knee caps, trying to get her in the chinese puzzle straps, that you have to hook perfectly together and slide in at the same time(I couldn't have just got a simple buckle) After all that, she is oddly content once strapped in. So I look at her, make sure the sun is out of her eyes, and we go to the store. Grab her diapers and a few other things and walk back to the car to follow the same ritual we had at the beginning, ending with her being happy and content after struggling to get those carseat straps buckled.

Things like this happen everyday to mothers. I don't care if your baby is an angel sent from heaven, there are going to be moments where you look at them and think, how am I even allowed to own a child?

Because Moms are many things, but they are not stupid. Mom's know that they will never live up to their own standards, and that they are never being cutsie enough, or crafty enough, or being the best teacher in the world, and cooking gourmet meals for the handsome husband, and looking gorgeous when he comes home, and the list goes ON, and ON!

So when do you ask for help? WHO do you ask for help. And will help ever find you? Because I have found, that no matter where you are (if you do get to sneak away for a bit) you are constantly thinking about that little baby of yours, wondering if she is okay, and if she is safe, if she is hungry, happy, sad, driving her dad beserk! All the more making a little vacation, not even relaxing.

I have found it is even more stressful for me to leave my little gum-drop, then to stay with her. And here is where I found the secret.

Moms love their children, no matter what.

All of the annoyance, and frusturation and exhaustion and the never feeling good enough, the never feeling perfect enough, doesn't compare to the feeling of love you have for the child. It's almost an annoying love. The kind of love that you have no matter what, and it annoys you. It's an unconditional love. And I never realized quite what that meant until having my sweet angel Amrielle. When I heard unconditional love, I always thought "Wow, that is a powerful love" I thought of paper hearts and doing everthing right and everything sweetly and nicely. No, no, no, no. Unconditional love, is where in any condition that person is in, upset, raging!, depressed, sad, excited, happy, curious, interested, confused. You always love them. A love that is all encompassing for one complete individual. Your child. A love that no matter how things are, good or bad you can't help loving, worrying, caring about, this little being that made your life turn upside down yet somehow helped you percieve life clearer than you ever could with out the flip.

SO, when is it okay to ask for help?

Anytime. All I know is. I help myself more than anyone could. I know my daughter better than anyone ever would, I could do a better job calming her and loving her than anyone knows how. I know now, that mothers really don't need help. They are the help. They are the ones that make things better. And "They" is ME. I am that "mother" that I always counted on. And I am the one that gets hugged, and clingged to, and the one who cries when her baby first rolls over, or crawls, or stands up, or claps or waves. I AM THE ONE.

And once I saw that. I realize that my baby doesn't just rely on me, for basics. She love me unconditionally. And as I cry when I write this I see that all of the stress is worth having someone love you and want you, even when you are mean, and unhappy, and bored, and stressed.

I am lucky to have seen this now. And I want everyone to know that I love my daughter, and I love my husband. And I am so grateful that I saw the light in all the darkness of trying to escape this life. Yes every mother deserves a night out to do her own thing. But making it seem like everyday is hell, (which I have been doing) is just not healthy or correct. Everyday is such a blessing.

The question shouldn't be "When is it okay to ask for help?" the question should be "How much help can I help?"

And I know, that somehow, after all that giving, you will never have more rewards.

Monday, January 23, 2012

Deciding how to live your life.

It has been months since I have written on my blog. Alot has happened. I think the last time I wrote was more than 4 months ago. But it has been crazy! We have recently moved, again, into a two bedroom duplex in a great location in albuquerque. Having a seven month old and trying to put everything in its place is not ideal. Especially since she has started the attachment phase of her life. She cries for me to hold her constantly, and my back is not having it. Espcially since we found out we are pregnant again:) yep, we are having another baby due June 12, 2012. Because of this pregnancy my milk supply for Amrielle has been diminished and she is not growing enough or fast enough, she is below the 3% of her age group and it has been a growing stress. She eats bananas, and sweet potato, and eats ALOT, but then she is constipated because she is not getting enough liquids from my milk. So I have been researching what I could supplement her with. SO many different views on supplements by-the-way. She also doesn't like a bottle anymore. As you can see the stress is building and building. Oh and add BROKE to that mix.

So being five months pregnant and having a skinny almost 8 month old, living on a strict budget and worried about my childrens health and well being. I have been stressed to the max. I needed a way to fix it and this is where deciding how to live your life comes in to play.

So here are 6 things I have decided.

I have decided...

1. I don't want to be stressed. I want to be happy and calm and collected. Knowing and (when I don't know) finding out what is best for me and my family. Just having faith that things will work out.

2. I am extremly happy about this new baby. I tell you this not because it isn't true, but because people don't think I mean it. Many people I tell are shocked and awed that I got pregnant so quickly after my first baby's birth. They either think I am irresponsible, crazy, completely horny as could be. (may be true, my husband is amazing:)) or they think that it is a joke, an accident, that we don't want to have this baby. And to me that breaks my heart. I worked so hard through my first pregnancy talking and singing and being so excited for my baby to come, and now I have tried hiding my belly, not telling my husbands family (his sister just had a miscarraige), and trying to show people that although we are not exactly financially prepared, it is US in the situation, not them. We will figure things out. And we are so humbled and grateful that we are going to have another addition so quickly and so amazingly in our family. So deciding that it is OUR life, and that God is helping us, has made this new baby such a blessing. We know that it is a crazy situation and that it doesn't happen all the time. But we are lucky enough to experience it.

Who wouldn't want another baby like her?!

3. Having a fat belly is totally in right now... not really, and probably not ever. But to me, having a fat belly when everyone thinks I am supposed to be losing all that baby weight is just funny to me. I think alot of people at church think "boy she let herself go!" and other such things, but I know a secret that they don't. Being five months pregnant will do that to a girl. They will soon find out when we bring the new addition to church around june:) or when they see my 8 months huge belly and hopfully have some common sense.

4. Never having extra money to spend, just makes decisions easier. You just ask yourself "can I afford that?" and the answer is always "NO." It makes it so much easier when faced with the spoils of the world.

5. Not having friends I can hang out with, simply gives me more time to spend with my family.

6. Being completely satisfied with your sometimes unsatisfying life, is the decison that is hardest. I just want to realize deep inside that none of the things that are bombarding me are as important as what really matters. Yes i want a new couch and a million new clothes, and makeup and perfume and deocrations to make my new place exactly the home that I want. But what is really important is my family sticking together. Who cares if my house is horribly decorated. When it comes down to it what would I rather have? The support of a loving husband, or a beautiful sectional? Which lasts longer? Being kind, loving and honest. Or having a different outfit everyday of the week. Going out to eat at restaurants every night or a homecooked meal with good food that fills your belly and soul, and gives me something to do all day. Is there anything better than laughing, sleeping and talking, or being out in nature to see what God had created for me, for free? I think not. And I think that for once I am seeing that beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

So yes, over all, there are many things that I want and can't have. But I now realize there are things that I need which are right in front of me and free for the taking.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

3 months I wish were longer.

Tomorrow Amrielle is going to be 3 moths old. I cant believe it. She is growing so fast. So much has happened too. Patrick is Working 2 jobs. That is not ideal for us but so far he does delivery at night and works for Brother Foutz assembling and putting up signs in differnt towns around New Mexico. He really likes the job and i's full time so he is grateful for it. It just showed up out of no where! Patrick's mom calls and tells him about the job and then its history. It really is -who you know- in finding a job. We feel so blessed that things have worked out.

My mom just called and said she put some money in my account because she "felt" the promptings too. Patrick hasn't gotten paid yet and our rent is due and we would probably be short the amount of money my mom gave us. I am pretty sure we will have just enough because of her. I am so grateful for my mom, and also the spirit that prompted her. I am so humble because of the blessings we have recieved. The MANY blessings we have recieved.

We have a healthy, happy baby. A place to live. Rent money. And alot of Love.

Amrielle. Happy three months baby girl. We love you so much. I love you. You are a laughing baby now and Daddy and I love to hear it. You make us so complete and happy. You are such a genuine girl and everyone that meets you, loves you and thinks you are adorable. I am so glad I am associated with you. You are such a special, unique person and I hope I teach you to always be happy with who you are, and that you won't want to be like anyone else. I love you. ALL of you!

You are sitting next to me, in your little bouncing chair. Kicking away at the little toy fish, orange and green. You suck on your fingers as if they taste like the most satisfying meal you have ever had. Your coos, breaths, oohs and ahhs fill our house with music. There is nothing better than just doing nothing with you. And I am so glad we get to spend the hours together. I love you. And Time would be kind if he would let it last longer with you.

I love you AJ. More.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Hard Trials = Working Together

So... Its been awhile! Amrielle is almost 12 weeks this thursday! Oh my Goodness! how time flies! SO much has happened!

Patrick quit his job at verizon. To everyone it may seem like a very bad idea. Especially after having a new addition to the family, and our lease almost being up. And having bills to pay... But I could never think that. His job there was awful. For like 8 hours a day he just sat at a computer and pretty much had people complain, harrass and say very mean things to him because of their cell phone problems. Some people would call him the F word and mean stuff like that. And make him feel stupid for not being able to fix thier problems. There is only so much he could do though. He hates being on phones any way so it was making him pretty depressed. When he would come home he was always in such a terrible mood. So he quit his job and has been applying to many places. The only thing good about that job was the pay, and now he totally knows how to work the system:)

The first job he has is working at Dominos being a delivery driver, which he really likes. He is super good with directions and being able to find places and he likes spending time alone. He also is gone at night so we get to spend the day together and he gets to be with Amrielle more often. Which he will miss when he gets another job.

He has two more interviews one for a really nice hotel and another for a Cake Decorating place. haha it sounds gay but he is a really good artist and we have made a ton of cakes together for my nieces and nephews birthdays. And he is really good. So either way we just need some moola to get everything going and the stress to leave our little apartment.

We are still trying to figure out our situation. It is pretty stressful. We can't just bum around living at family's homes and stuff because now we have our sweet little daughter. And to move her around and be on a different schedule with her... I can't even think about it. Its so hard because we are so comfortable here. We have everything we need. And we have to pick up and leave. We do know that it will all work out though. We are being tested to have faith in God. And how else do we learn to except we have trials.

I wish I would just know what to do. And what is best. I wish we were more smart with our decisons and our money handeling. I wish we had saved more and spent less. Although we pretty much only ever have money for food and gas. We never get anything new. And havent for awhile. It makes me realize how little you need to be happy. I just have patrick, my baby girl a roof over my head. And food and water. And I have never been happier. Especially since I get to swim again! I am already getting a little bit of color to my pastey white body! And patrick and i have so much fun swimming. Usually we get Amrielle to sleep in her stroller so we can swim for abou a half hour while checking one her often, or having one of our friends josh keep an eye on her, or we pull out her car seat and set her in the shade nearer the pool so we can constantly see her. She loves watching the water and seeing us move.

She is such a smart girl! She rolled over for the first time last week! I cried! I never thought I would be the emotional mom but i got so excited to see her progress! I was so proud and surprised! I love her so much! she is my little angel baby!

She has started making little high pitched vocal sounds. I think its because I sing to her SO much! Her favorite is "You are my Sunshine" every morning when she wakes up with a smile. I get her into a clean diaper and sing her that song and she smiles and smiles! And tries to sing along. She gets so excited! She also Loves "Pat-a-Cake" she just scrunches up so tight when I lift her arms to "Throw them in the pan!" she loves music! She always have. I just started singing her to sleep and I looked up the lyrics to the lullaby song. and I found the sweetest words to it**. I sing it to her now and she always falls asleep so much faster while I am rocking her in our rickety rocking chair. Her little sweaty cheek next to mine. Its the best part of the night.

I just love everything in the moment right now. And when I think of ALL of the stuff that is going on, and things of the future I just get worried. I have realized all we can do is right now. And do the best we can with money and the best we can with knowledge we have of different jobs, apartments and other things. I know in the end it will all work out. No matter how hard it gets. We arent going to die from these trials:)

Patrick is so my man right now. He is so funny and kind and sweet and handsome! He loves on Amrielle and even sings her songs while changing her diapers like I do! His songs arent as pretty, and they may never rhyme, but he sings! And she loves it just as much! He has supported our family so well and I just want to give him some love! Especially because I am a crazy wife that doesn't know what she wants. And he loves me anyway! He is the best husband and hardest worker I know. I love him and I love the creation we made together. Our sweet Princess Baby!

Let's Make Another One!

**The Lyrics to Lullaby, and Goodnight are:

Sleepy Head, Close your eyes,
Mommy's Right here beside you
To Protect you from harm
You'll Awake in my arms.
Angels are near, So you'll be safe here.
Angels are near, so you'll be safe here.

They are the most true words from a lullaby I have found.
I love them and Treasure them.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

All Baby's Want to Get Borned!

Dearest Amrielle,
I wanted to write your birth story and it is too long to write in handwriting. I do have a little book I made of your whole life in my womb and it is handmade and special to me. when I read it to you, you smile and listen and I love to read it. When I read about how much we loved you before we even saw you I can not help but cry. Your daddy and I love you soooo much. And just because we do not have hand written things about your birth or anything since is not because it hasn't been important to us, or that it hasn't been special. Infact it is just the opposite. Honestly we don't want to miss any of the time we have to spend with you while you are growing and progressing in life. You are SO beautiful, and you are a genius, everything thing you do is magic to your daddy and me. Your sweet smile breaks our hearts, your eyes are so alert and aching to learn all you can. You have the most adorable dimples in your cheeks that you got from your Daddy, and you have Brown Green eyes right now, they are so wonderous and intelligent. When you smile at us, out whole world is on fire! We cant get enough of your sweetness and unconditonal love that you have for us. You need us for everything and we do the best we can to make you happy and comfortable. We are happy to do it too. Because you are our little girl. The first and new little addition to our fun family. We hope you know how important you are to us. And on a personal level. To me. You are my first daughter. You are the light in my eyes. You make me better. You make me want to continue to be better and more smart so I can benefit you in your life. You won't understand til you have your first child, what it is like to love someone that you created. It is a miracle. The most wonderful miracle God could ever have thought of. You, my lovely daughter, have made my life worth living. This is what life is about. Creating you.

Your life outside of my womb started at 1:12a.m. Thursday morning. After two days prior of slow labor, which was so helpful because I never had unbareable contractions with you, you were my first and easiest:) so far... Honestly I may have sounded crazy and moaning and such but I think I was being dramatic, I only remember two times where I was in actual pain. Monday was when I felt like I was getting ready to give birth to you. So Nana and Rachel and Alyvia came over to be with us. Nothing much happend just contractions all day that were just mild and constant. We walked around alot and bought stuff for you and things for me to wear after you were born. Nana and Rachel and Alyvia all had to sleep on the floor I felt so bad. But they survived. That night I didn't sleep to well not much at all just from the un comfortableness of the contractions.
Then Tuesday we went to walk me and you around to get labor started more and we were not doing good. I was tired and weak. I wasnt hungry and just in an uncomforable state. I am sure you were too honey, and I feel so bad that moms don't realize all that you go though too. So Tuesday Megan and Brinkley came to be with us too. Mostly we walked around but we also had an appointment with Kelly and Terry they gave us some homeopathic pills that could start labor if we were ready, or they would do nothing. So I took those and nothing really moved along but that night was the first pain that was so painful. Nana, Megan, Rachel and your cousins Brinkley and Alyvia and your Daddy were all over and we were watching T.V. and I had a contraction with you, I was sitting on the floor and just trying to relax but it was sharp and long and painful. It made me cry because it was so painful. But that was only one so far in two days. Also all the night of Tuesday I was having contractions that weren't so bad, but I definetly couldn't get any sleep. Kelly and I kept in touch every hour that night because she knew you were to be born soon. Finally at about 3a.m. I decided I wanted to go to the birth center so that we could feel safe that if you were born we would have some one experienced with us. So Daddy and I got all the stuff we needed, your bags of clothes and diapers and wipes and washclothes and blankets and beanie's and car seat and my bag of clothes and other things needed for the birth like big pads to soak up blood or water or anything else and salt for the water that I wanted to birth you in. We already had the pool blown up in the room you were to be born in.

So Daddy and I get to the birth center after telling Nana and Megan and Rachel that we are headed to the birth center, (they couldn't go back to sleep after that, they thought they would miss your birth). So we get to the birth center and Kelly is there waiting for us and what we decide to do is try to get rest. We sleep as much as we can and I am not sleeping well or feeling very well. I was just so exhausted from not having rest from the previous nights and from the constant mild contractions. Kelly asked us if we wanted to get checked to see how far dialated I was. And I decided I wanted to see just to see if anything was happening at all, since it had been three days with no you in my arms yet! So we get check and I am already at a five. Which is really good most women start out at like a one or three and get stuck there for ever! So I was happy to hear it! And had confidence that you were indeed going to be born. After that we were asked if we wanted the pool to get filled up yet and I decided yes. I wanted to get in the pool as soon as possible. I wanted to labor in the water because I heard it was so soothing and wonderful. So I got in the pool and Nana and everybody showed up to give us support. I had to keep drinking and drinking water as much as possible because I was so weak and food just did not sound good to me. So I drank mostly water and tea and gatorade and a yucky protien shake that I absolutely hated! It was vanilla.

I labored all that Wednesday and we had alot of conflict with our family being there and the midwives thinking I needed to be alone. It was very hard to deal with. One time in particular at about 3p.m. Kelly told our family they needed to go the park or something and leave me alone. When I heard they were leaving I cried and cried to your Daddy. ( Daddy stayed of course) While they were gone I got out of the pool and Daddy and I walked around and I just cried and cried. I was exhausted emotionally and although the contractions were mild they were constant but slow and completley exhausting. As we walked around the yoga room I just cried and moaned to realease the emotions inside me. I felt so alone and I needed their support and love. Good thing Daddy was with us, he was definetly our rock through out this process. I also felt alone cause Kelly wasnt with me all the time, she just would check me ever so often and she would listen to your heart beat and make sure everything was okay. But she wasnt coaching me, and honestly after ALL the reading I did for preperation it couldn't help me. I needed someone who knew what they were doing to help me and I didn't have that. I only had that when Megan and Nana and Rachel helped me and told me what I should do. Eventually Megan told Kelly what'for and told her with out my knowledge that I needed some direction and that I needed someone to tell me that this was happening and that we were progressing and that I could give birth. That is was possible. She told her to tell me that the next time she checks me that she could feel your head and that you were coming close.

And next time she checked me she said I was at an 8 and that she could feel your head. Whether or not that was true... I know not. Thanks to Megan:) But I felt better. But also when she checked she could feel there was still some cervix left and that the bag of water hadnt broken yet. I thought the water broke early that morning but it hadnt I must have just peed in the pool, several times... haha After that time was a blur. I remember standing up leaning on the dresser in our birth room and just crying from the intensity of exhaustion and emotion, I was standing up so I could squat and bare down to help you get in the right position, your head was a little off because the bag of waters hadnt broken yet and from laboring in the pool so long it buoyed you up, also the feeling that nothing was happening and no one was taking control left me feeling hopless. This is the time I remember asking to be taken to the hospital because I couldnt do it anymore, and that I had no idea what to do. And that I just needed to go to the hospital. Megan was rubbing my back and trying to do some aromatherapy to help with my mood. It must have worked cause we didn't go to the hospital and Kelly tried to talk sense into me. She told me that once we got there we would already have you. And it would be pointless and nothing like the birth I imagined. She was right. In my head I was even saying, there is no way you are going to get taken away from me after you are born. I had and have a fierce protection for you. I love you so much Amrielle. *To give a shout out, Megan really helped so much. She took control and made things start rolling I love you Megan, infact my whole family, Mom, and Rachel.*

Another memory is laboring with you over a big yoga ball I leaned over it kneeling down on the bed so that it would help move you in the right poisition. I was focused inside of me at this point. I dont remember time or what order these things were in. I recall laying on my side and Kelly holding my right leg up. For what reason i was never told, but I recall yelping with pain. And crying Looking back i dont think it was really that painful, it was just scary, and I was getting so tired and sick of nothing happening. I wanted you! What I didn't realize was that by everything happening so slowly it made things completly bareable and easy. And honey it was SO easy giving birth to you. Although it took a looooong time.
After these differnt positions. I went to labor with you on the toilet. Nana taught me how to push, finally, and so I held on to Daddy's waist while sitting on the toilet and I pushed, this part was a little painful, I just felt heavy down there and it was a different feeling and scary, so I pushed really hard and I felt like a had to poop. And I pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed and felt something burst within me. My water had finally broken and the last part of the cervex had opened up. I reached down with my hand and felt your head bulging and I knew it was happening. I remember the time here because someone told me it was 10 o clock and that you were going to be born June 1st (we expected you in May so it was a little joke that you just absolutley did not want to be born in May so you had us wait a whole day.)

After I sat on the toilet a little longer I was thinking I needed to poop, Nana laughed at this because I actually got some humor back in me. I pushed and felt my water break, so I told her my water had broke and I got up to go lay on the bed. Kelly checked me and told me I feel ALOT different in there and that I was dialated to a ten and that your head could be seen! I was so tired and so happy all at once. But mostly I just knew I had to push you out so I could be done with labor and have my perfect, naturally born baby. So I push. And push and your head comes out a little and sucks back in. I am laying on my back for this part. It felt the most comfortable. Probably too comfortable because the contractions never got fast so that they could help push you out. And I was falling asleep in between pushes. I had to literally wake myself up to push you out. I also had to wait 3 to 5 minutes between every single contraction to the end. I even remember pushing when I wasnt having a contraction just to get you out! I was holding on to the headboard and pushing as hard as a I could for hours! Finally Megan and Rachel and Patrick are holding my legs so I could bare down better. This hurt my legs. But I had no strength to complain. So I just kept pushing and finally I pushed so hard your head came part way out and stayed out. I thought, "I just ripped" in my head, but I realize now that is what they call the ring of fire, its just your body stretching to its max! At this point I got super excited because I knew you would be out in one more push. I pushed again and your head came all the way out and your body slithered out right behind. I didn't have to push your body out you were so small. Immediately you were layed on my belly and you had a gurggly cry and I just want to cry thinking about it. I could tell you were so sore from going through the birthing process. Just like me. And your tiny arms hurt and I could tell the back of your head was in pain. And you were such a trooper just being born after all of that intense contracting and your head being in the wrong spot I just had so much sympathy for you. I never wanted you to feel pain I just wanted to snuggle you and make everything nice and comfortable.

Your first cry was so amazing and sweet, (and exactly the same to this day) and your little coned head (that went to normal almost immediatley after being born) was so cute, and your adorable face was so expressive and swollen from being born and the umbilical cord was still connected inside me and the blood, and just me you and daddy and nana and rachel and megan and kelly and terry, we all were just together, for your birthday at 1:12a.m. Thursday morning June 2nd. Amrielle, you were loved by many the day you were born, Everyone wanted to see you and take pictures of you and show you how important you are. They all loved being there with us, and seeing you. Megan spoke to you and you cried so hard and I told you "it's okay" and you immediatley stopped. You knew me. My voice. My touch. My smell. My heartbeat. You only wanted to be with me and daddy. and you were so perfect. Your skin on your hands and feet were peeling from being in me so long and your face, your face was just so darling. You were perfect. And a girl. And Patrick and Lacey's baby girl.
After holding you and looking at you and counting your fingers and toes and immediatley trying to nurse you, about 30 minutes had passed and I needed to push out your placenta. It took a little bit to come out but eventually when I stood up with you and your umbilical cord still attatched the placenta came out. It was SO heavy and big and healthy and fell out with a plop into a bowl that Kelly was holding. After it was born we kept you attatched for an hour or more, so that you could have an easier time adjusting to breathing and getting the blood you need and nutrients you need from the placenta. I didn't want to get your mouth or nose sucked out with the bulb so you were kind of gurggly for a few minutes after being born. Eventually Daddy cut your umbilical cord and you got weighed. You were exactly 8lbs and you cried when you were away from me. Even though you were right in front of me on the same bed you were born in. You also got measured. You were 20 inches long. And Amrielle, I can't explain how much I love you. I love you so much.

For your name Daddy and I looked at eachother and I said "Saylor?" and both of us said "No." that was not to be your name. So we decided to just wait a couple days and see what we felt was right. I didn't want to name you Amrielle because it was the Angel of May and you were born in June so it didn't fit. Regardless your name was to be Amrielle. It just was. You never played by the rules so why now. And if you ever have a hard time of it we can use your middle name Juliet. Or Aj.
Daddy got to hold you while I was getting cleaned up and while our bed was getting cleaned up. He just looked at you in pure amazment. He loved you from the start. Kelly had to clean up because there was ALOT of blood honey. But it was good cause I bled less after. But while I was in the bathroom I almost fainted from so much blood loss, and Kelly had to help me get back to the room. And I got to eat some pizza and drink some glorious Orange Juice! The orange juice was so cold and refreshing and tasted so good.

After eating and drinking I held my 8 pound, 20 inch most beautiful daughter in the world and latched you on to my breast. And me, you and daddy slept for the first time together at about 4:00a.m. that morning. You slept all that time and were so precious and tiny. Then at about 7:00a.m. Nana and Megan and Rachel came to get to directions back to our apartment so they could get their stuff and get back home. We slept a little after that but eventually got up in the morning and got our stuff packed, got you dressed for the first time and changed your diaper and put you in your carseat and drove home at about 8:30a.m. You looked so adorable with this little hat rachel made you. It was purple with a flower on it all crocheted. It was so cute and perfect for your little head. And we took a picture of you to send to all our friends and then we drove home.

We found out later that Molly, Daddy's sister was there the whole time I was pushing you out and that she was watching Brinkley and Alyvia. She came in and saw you shortly after you were born! That was another cool surprise. She brought us lunch after we got home. She got us Panda Express. And brought your puppy Pippin back home. Your Grandpa and Grama Cece were also over the first day of your life outside of me. They came to see you and love you as much as we love you. They all said how beautiful you are and small and perfect. And me and Daddy felt so proud to be your parents. And will always be so grateful to Heavenly Father for letting us take care of you.

You did the sweetest faces while you slept and you were SO alert when you were awake. And you always have been. You just look so intelligent. Your cry would just break my heart when you would cry in your sleep. It just killed me. It was like you had a very sad memory dream that made you cry. And I have cried several times with you while you were sleeping. You also have slept with me and Daddy every night since you were concieved up til now. And probably long after. I love sleeping next you. You fit perfectly next to me and we sleep better together. You also have slept all night since you were born. Of course I feed you about 3 times each night but you stay asleep. And never have cried waking us up. You are so amazing! I feel so close to you. You are my best friend. And everything you do, is new and wonderful.