I wanted to write your birth story and it is too long to write in handwriting. I do have a little book I made of your whole life in my womb and it is handmade and special to me. when I read it to you, you smile and listen and I love to read it. When I read about how much we loved you before we even saw you I can not help but cry. Your daddy and I love you soooo much. And just because we do not have hand written things about your birth or anything since is not because it hasn't been important to us, or that it hasn't been special. Infact it is just the opposite. Honestly we don't want to miss any of the time we have to spend with you while you are growing and progressing in life. You are SO beautiful, and you are a genius, everything thing you do is magic to your daddy and me. Your sweet smile breaks our hearts, your eyes are so alert and aching to learn all you can. You have the most adorable dimples in your cheeks that you got from your Daddy, and you have Brown Green eyes right now, they are so wonderous and intelligent. When you smile at us, out whole world is on fire! We cant get enough of your sweetness and unconditonal love that you have for us. You need us for everything and we do the best we can to make you happy and comfortable. We are happy to do it too. Because you are our little girl. The first and new little addition to our fun family. We hope you know how important you are to us. And on a personal level. To me. You are my first daughter. You are the light in my eyes. You make me better. You make me want to continue to be better and more smart so I can benefit you in your life. You won't understand til you have your first child, what it is like to love someone that you created. It is a miracle. The most wonderful miracle God could ever have thought of. You, my lovely daughter, have made my life worth living. This is what life is about. Creating you.
Your life outside of my womb started at 1:12a.m. Thursday morning. After two days prior of slow labor, which was so helpful because I never had unbareable contractions with you, you were my first and easiest:) so far... Honestly I may have sounded crazy and moaning and such but I think I was being dramatic, I only remember two times where I was in actual pain. Monday was when I felt like I was getting ready to give birth to you. So Nana and Rachel and Alyvia came over to be with us. Nothing much happend just contractions all day that were just mild and constant. We walked around alot and bought stuff for you and things for me to wear after you were born. Nana and Rachel and Alyvia all had to sleep on the floor I felt so bad. But they survived. That night I didn't sleep to well not much at all just from the un comfortableness of the contractions.
Then Tuesday we went to walk me and you around to get labor started more and we were not doing good. I was tired and weak. I wasnt hungry and just in an uncomforable state. I am sure you were too honey, and I feel so bad that moms don't realize all that you go though too. So Tuesday Megan and Brinkley came to be with us too. Mostly we walked around but we also had an appointment with Kelly and Terry they gave us some homeopathic pills that could start labor if we were ready, or they would do nothing. So I took those and nothing really moved along but that night was the first pain that was so painful. Nana, Megan, Rachel and your cousins Brinkley and Alyvia and your Daddy were all over and we were watching T.V. and I had a contraction with you, I was sitting on the floor and just trying to relax but it was sharp and long and painful. It made me cry because it was so painful. But that was only one so far in two days. Also all the night of Tuesday I was having contractions that weren't so bad, but I definetly couldn't get any sleep. Kelly and I kept in touch every hour that night because she knew you were to be born soon. Finally at about 3a.m. I decided I wanted to go to the birth center so that we could feel safe that if you were born we would have some one experienced with us. So Daddy and I got all the stuff we needed, your bags of clothes and diapers and wipes and washclothes and blankets and beanie's and car seat and my bag of clothes and other things needed for the birth like big pads to soak up blood or water or anything else and salt for the water that I wanted to birth you in. We already had the pool blown up in the room you were to be born in.
So Daddy and I get to the birth center after telling Nana and Megan and Rachel that we are headed to the birth center, (they couldn't go back to sleep after that, they thought they would miss your birth). So we get to the birth center and Kelly is there waiting for us and what we decide to do is try to get rest. We sleep as much as we can and I am not sleeping well or feeling very well. I was just so exhausted from not having rest from the previous nights and from the constant mild contractions. Kelly asked us if we wanted to get checked to see how far dialated I was. And I decided I wanted to see just to see if anything was happening at all, since it had been three days with no you in my arms yet! So we get check and I am already at a five. Which is really good most women start out at like a one or three and get stuck there for ever! So I was happy to hear it! And had confidence that you were indeed going to be born. After that we were asked if we wanted the pool to get filled up yet and I decided yes. I wanted to get in the pool as soon as possible. I wanted to labor in the water because I heard it was so soothing and wonderful. So I got in the pool and Nana and everybody showed up to give us support. I had to keep drinking and drinking water as much as possible because I was so weak and food just did not sound good to me. So I drank mostly water and tea and gatorade and a yucky protien shake that I absolutely hated! It was vanilla.
I labored all that Wednesday and we had alot of conflict with our family being there and the midwives thinking I needed to be alone. It was very hard to deal with. One time in particular at about 3p.m. Kelly told our family they needed to go the park or something and leave me alone. When I heard they were leaving I cried and cried to your Daddy. ( Daddy stayed of course) While they were gone I got out of the pool and Daddy and I walked around and I just cried and cried. I was exhausted emotionally and although the contractions were mild they were constant but slow and completley exhausting. As we walked around the yoga room I just cried and moaned to realease the emotions inside me. I felt so alone and I needed their support and love. Good thing Daddy was with us, he was definetly our rock through out this process. I also felt alone cause Kelly wasnt with me all the time, she just would check me ever so often and she would listen to your heart beat and make sure everything was okay. But she wasnt coaching me, and honestly after ALL the reading I did for preperation it couldn't help me. I needed someone who knew what they were doing to help me and I didn't have that. I only had that when Megan and Nana and Rachel helped me and told me what I should do. Eventually Megan told Kelly what'for and told her with out my knowledge that I needed some direction and that I needed someone to tell me that this was happening and that we were progressing and that I could give birth. That is was possible. She told her to tell me that the next time she checks me that she could feel your head and that you were coming close.
And next time she checked me she said I was at an 8 and that she could feel your head. Whether or not that was true... I know not. Thanks to Megan:) But I felt better. But also when she checked she could feel there was still some cervix left and that the bag of water hadnt broken yet. I thought the water broke early that morning but it hadnt I must have just peed in the pool, several times... haha After that time was a blur. I remember standing up leaning on the dresser in our birth room and just crying from the intensity of exhaustion and emotion, I was standing up so I could squat and bare down to help you get in the right position, your head was a little off because the bag of waters hadnt broken yet and from laboring in the pool so long it buoyed you up, also the feeling that nothing was happening and no one was taking control left me feeling hopless. This is the time I remember asking to be taken to the hospital because I couldnt do it anymore, and that I had no idea what to do. And that I just needed to go to the hospital. Megan was rubbing my back and trying to do some aromatherapy to help with my mood. It must have worked cause we didn't go to the hospital and Kelly tried to talk sense into me. She told me that once we got there we would already have you. And it would be pointless and nothing like the birth I imagined. She was right. In my head I was even saying, there is no way you are going to get taken away from me after you are born. I had and have a fierce protection for you. I love you so much Amrielle. *To give a shout out, Megan really helped so much. She took control and made things start rolling I love you Megan, infact my whole family, Mom, and Rachel.*
Another memory is laboring with you over a big yoga ball I leaned over it kneeling down on the bed so that it would help move you in the right poisition. I was focused inside of me at this point. I dont remember time or what order these things were in. I recall laying on my side and Kelly holding my right leg up. For what reason i was never told, but I recall yelping with pain. And crying Looking back i dont think it was really that painful, it was just scary, and I was getting so tired and sick of nothing happening. I wanted you! What I didn't realize was that by everything happening so slowly it made things completly bareable and easy. And honey it was SO easy giving birth to you. Although it took a looooong time.
After these differnt positions. I went to labor with you on the toilet. Nana taught me how to push, finally, and so I held on to Daddy's waist while sitting on the toilet and I pushed, this part was a little painful, I just felt heavy down there and it was a different feeling and scary, so I pushed really hard and I felt like a had to poop. And I pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed and felt something burst within me. My water had finally broken and the last part of the cervex had opened up. I reached down with my hand and felt your head bulging and I knew it was happening. I remember the time here because someone told me it was 10 o clock and that you were going to be born June 1st (we expected you in May so it was a little joke that you just absolutley did not want to be born in May so you had us wait a whole day.)
After I sat on the toilet a little longer I was thinking I needed to poop, Nana laughed at this because I actually got some humor back in me. I pushed and felt my water break, so I told her my water had broke and I got up to go lay on the bed. Kelly checked me and told me I feel ALOT different in there and that I was dialated to a ten and that your head could be seen! I was so tired and so happy all at once. But mostly I just knew I had to push you out so I could be done with labor and have my perfect, naturally born baby. So I push. And push and your head comes out a little and sucks back in. I am laying on my back for this part. It felt the most comfortable. Probably too comfortable because the contractions never got fast so that they could help push you out. And I was falling asleep in between pushes. I had to literally wake myself up to push you out. I also had to wait 3 to 5 minutes between every single contraction to the end. I even remember pushing when I wasnt having a contraction just to get you out! I was holding on to the headboard and pushing as hard as a I could for hours! Finally Megan and Rachel and Patrick are holding my legs so I could bare down better. This hurt my legs. But I had no strength to complain. So I just kept pushing and finally I pushed so hard your head came part way out and stayed out. I thought, "I just ripped" in my head, but I realize now that is what they call the ring of fire, its just your body stretching to its max! At this point I got super excited because I knew you would be out in one more push. I pushed again and your head came all the way out and your body slithered out right behind. I didn't have to push your body out you were so small. Immediately you were layed on my belly and you had a gurggly cry and I just want to cry thinking about it. I could tell you were so sore from going through the birthing process. Just like me. And your tiny arms hurt and I could tell the back of your head was in pain. And you were such a trooper just being born after all of that intense contracting and your head being in the wrong spot I just had so much sympathy for you. I never wanted you to feel pain I just wanted to snuggle you and make everything nice and comfortable.
Your first cry was so amazing and sweet, (and exactly the same to this day) and your little coned head (that went to normal almost immediatley after being born) was so cute, and your adorable face was so expressive and swollen from being born and the umbilical cord was still connected inside me and the blood, and just me you and daddy and nana and rachel and megan and kelly and terry, we all were just together, for your birthday at 1:12a.m. Thursday morning June 2nd. Amrielle, you were loved by many the day you were born, Everyone wanted to see you and take pictures of you and show you how important you are. They all loved being there with us, and seeing you. Megan spoke to you and you cried so hard and I told you "it's okay" and you immediatley stopped. You knew me. My voice. My touch. My smell. My heartbeat. You only wanted to be with me and daddy. and you were so perfect. Your skin on your hands and feet were peeling from being in me so long and your face, your face was just so darling. You were perfect. And a girl. And Patrick and Lacey's baby girl.
After holding you and looking at you and counting your fingers and toes and immediatley trying to nurse you, about 30 minutes had passed and I needed to push out your placenta. It took a little bit to come out but eventually when I stood up with you and your umbilical cord still attatched the placenta came out. It was SO heavy and big and healthy and fell out with a plop into a bowl that Kelly was holding. After it was born we kept you attatched for an hour or more, so that you could have an easier time adjusting to breathing and getting the blood you need and nutrients you need from the placenta. I didn't want to get your mouth or nose sucked out with the bulb so you were kind of gurggly for a few minutes after being born. Eventually Daddy cut your umbilical cord and you got weighed. You were exactly 8lbs and you cried when you were away from me. Even though you were right in front of me on the same bed you were born in. You also got measured. You were 20 inches long. And Amrielle, I can't explain how much I love you. I love you so much.
For your name Daddy and I looked at eachother and I said "Saylor?" and both of us said "No." that was not to be your name. So we decided to just wait a couple days and see what we felt was right. I didn't want to name you Amrielle because it was the Angel of May and you were born in June so it didn't fit. Regardless your name was to be Amrielle. It just was. You never played by the rules so why now. And if you ever have a hard time of it we can use your middle name Juliet. Or Aj.
Daddy got to hold you while I was getting cleaned up and while our bed was getting cleaned up. He just looked at you in pure amazment. He loved you from the start. Kelly had to clean up because there was ALOT of blood honey. But it was good cause I bled less after. But while I was in the bathroom I almost fainted from so much blood loss, and Kelly had to help me get back to the room. And I got to eat some pizza and drink some glorious Orange Juice! The orange juice was so cold and refreshing and tasted so good.
After eating and drinking I held my 8 pound, 20 inch most beautiful daughter in the world and latched you on to my breast. And me, you and daddy slept for the first time together at about 4:00a.m. that morning. You slept all that time and were so precious and tiny. Then at about 7:00a.m. Nana and Megan and Rachel came to get to directions back to our apartment so they could get their stuff and get back home. We slept a little after that but eventually got up in the morning and got our stuff packed, got you dressed for the first time and changed your diaper and put you in your carseat and drove home at about 8:30a.m. You looked so adorable with this little hat rachel made you. It was purple with a flower on it all crocheted. It was so cute and perfect for your little head. And we took a picture of you to send to all our friends and then we drove home.
We found out later that Molly, Daddy's sister was there the whole time I was pushing you out and that she was watching Brinkley and Alyvia. She came in and saw you shortly after you were born! That was another cool surprise. She brought us lunch after we got home. She got us Panda Express. And brought your puppy Pippin back home. Your Grandpa and Grama Cece were also over the first day of your life outside of me. They came to see you and love you as much as we love you. They all said how beautiful you are and small and perfect. And me and Daddy felt so proud to be your parents. And will always be so grateful to Heavenly Father for letting us take care of you.
You did the sweetest faces while you slept and you were SO alert when you were awake. And you always have been. You just look so intelligent. Your cry would just break my heart when you would cry in your sleep. It just killed me. It was like you had a very sad memory dream that made you cry. And I have cried several times with you while you were sleeping. You also have slept with me and Daddy every night since you were concieved up til now. And probably long after. I love sleeping next you. You fit perfectly next to me and we sleep better together. You also have slept all night since you were born. Of course I feed you about 3 times each night but you stay asleep. And never have cried waking us up. You are so amazing! I feel so close to you. You are my best friend. And everything you do, is new and wonderful.
