CHRISTMAS!

Christmas was so fun! We went to Arizona to spend time with my family. It was alot of fun! We had our Christmas party on Sunday night and opened all the presents because my oldest sister wasn't going to make it on Christmas day. Everything was so fun! From white elephant gifts, to Amrielle getting her cute gifts and Saylor at her first Christmas. Patrick and I didn't get each other anything, both of what we want is expensive and we didn't want to spend that much all at once so we are waiting to get them, I desperately want a sewing machine! And he wants this new steering wheel that he races with. His other one is all broken and won't shift I really hope we can get that soon.

The presents we got were so amazing from family members. I can't believe that we have such loving people all around us! It really reminds you. I also loved taking presents with all of my family packed in a van with all the seats taken out and having mike and Patrick run all the secret Santa gifts to peoples homes while we sang carols in the car. Amrielle felt like she needed to lead the music and sing along and it was the most adorable thing ever. With her red and pink striped pajamas, white hat and big red and white boy just enjoying the Christmas spirit just made it all the more special.

I just want to say, that I love my little Amrielle. My 1.5 year old daughter, the oldest in the family, the spunkiest, sweetest, funniest, loveliest, and most amazing little girl. She is so smart. She already talks alot, she says Mama, Dada, Nana, Brayee (brady) Sayer (saylor) Outside, Bye, See Ya, No, Night Night, Baba, And all the animal sounds from farm animals, to jungle animals, to water animals ( turtle, fish) she is so smart, She already tries to count and says in the same tone as one, two, three, she makes up words. I love her, she is a doll, she throws Saylor's diapers away for me when I ask, She is my little one. And I love her. I think a big reason Patrick and I are going to wait so long to have more kids is because we really feel like we missed alot of Amrielle's life. We have to slow down. We need to savor these moments of being with two babies and seeing past all of the naughtiness and see that Amrielle is a baby too. And that she needs held like baby, and cuddled. It makes me sad that it seems she has to grow up faster because Saylor was born. I want Amrielle to know that she is the best little girl in the world. That I love her and want to  teach and help her be what ever she wants to be, I love you Amrielle. So much.

Saylor, you are my little chubby monster! I love you so much, my teeny baby that  is 10 months old but looks like 6 months, I love you little tweety bird! And your high pitched screams that sounds like birds singing! I love your little bossyness and I love your cheeks! I love that we can just love you and that is all you need. I love that you love Amrielle and think she is so funny, I love that you sit up now on your own, and I love that you can't tell what color your eyes are, I love you! and I am so glad we get to be on this journey of getting to know you as much as we know Amrielle.

Patrick, you, are my everything. I can't wait to be sealed to you in the temple of the Lord. I can't wait to see where all of our choices take us! I am so excited to share my life with you. And I am glad we still have things to learn about each other. And that we still of lessons to learn. I love you patrick. I love you, I love you, I love you. Thank you for being my man. And I would go with you. Everywhere and Anywhere. I love you. Your low voice your dimples, your smile, your wide eyes, your curly hair, I love you patrick, more.

And as for everyone else, thank you for being my friends, family and anything in between. Thank you for your prayers and for making this year a year that I lived through. Best year ever! Pictures later!
 

How do you make a heaven on earth?

welllllllllllllllllllllll... where do I start?

- appendics ruptured?

- pre mature baby Saylor?

- looking for an apartment?

- living at father in laws?

Yeah, I don't really want to talk about any of those things. I just want to talk about singing.

I freaking miss singing. I sing in my head because I can't sing out loud because I will wake my babies. it sucks. I  miss singing, playing my guitar and writing dramatic songs. But now the drama I face is on a whole new level. No one wants to hear about getting thrown up on, or trying to find something for dinner, or not having any money. I'm not a country singer. So I want to say, I want to sing. For a long time. And I may want singing lessons.

I also, started exercising. I love it. It's challenging and fun. And I love Leandro, he is such a motivator:) And I lost over 7 pounds in like 2 weeks. It's great!

Marriage. Freaking hard. I never knew it would be so hard. I don't think I am very good at it. I want everything to be perfect, but, I don't want to try. It's awful. Being a lazy romantic is just not fun.

Apartment shopping. excited about that. I love finding a new place and making it my own. I just hope this next one is nice and fits our personalities.

Babies. Saylor and Amrielle. I love you girls. Saylor you are adorable! Amrielle you are beautiful and so smart and such a cute personality! I love both of you!

Patrick. We have two kids. CRAZY! No Wonder we are stressed.

Over all my testimony has been "tested" my happiness has been thwarted, and my stress levels have jumped sky high, I really think Patrick and I screwed ourselves by not choosing the right. We have had so many challenges that I never would have dreamed of. It's so hard to try to be better when you feel like you always make mistakes and God doesn't really want to help you. But knowing deep in side that He does and always loves you. It's crazy here at the Gatewood's. But I know.... think... hope... that everything will even out in the end. Heaven. I hope that I make it to heaven. We won't worry about finances, children being naughty, sickness,  food, anything worldly. I want that so bad. How do you make a heaven on earth? Somebody show me how.

I rambled, but I am a mom of two pretty much infants. That aren't twins. There's alot on this mind of mine:)

When is it okay to ask for help?

When is it okay to ask for help?

Lately, things have been a little stressful, my (almost) 8 month old daughter Amrielle, as sweet as she is, is completely exhausting me! She is teething again and her teething process, involves ALOT of bratty behavior. She is fussy and cries/screams and always wants to be held. I think I mentioned some of this in my last post... It seems to get worse at night. But I think it's just because I am at the end of my rope.

This is where my question lies. I ask my husband for some help, some support, at these difficult times of her screaming. He can see in my face that I am stressed out and I have had enough. That I have dealt with this behavior ALL day and I am tired and I need a break. BUT He has just gotten home from work. He finally gets to rest himself and do something he wants to do. Have his own alone time. And I feel helpless. I feel guilty asking for help when he has been working hard all day just like me. But T\to be honest I really thought I needed a break. I needed to get AWAY! Being a stay at home mom, is thee most delightfully, terrible, fun, challenging, rewarding, kill yourself, job (I think) in the whole work force. The days are monotonous, yet you deal with different challenges every minute. It's like being bored all day, yet having to keep on your toes!

"Is she choking!?"
"What are you chewing on?"
"Don't touch that!"
"Are you hungry?"
"Pippin (our dog) Don't lick her, give her your nasty toys to play with, or knock her over!"

And much more. One challenge today, is we ran out of diapers. BOO. I thought I had at least one diaper I could put her in to go to the store. And I did. but it was an infant diaper that has the little umbilical cord scoop in the front... yeah, holds up to like 8lbs. You remember. She looked like she was wearing bikini underware, and not even cute ones. Yucky white, tight, nasty, tiny diaper. These diapers are 8 months old, and were stuffed away in a little box, I can't believe I even found one, or had one much less from her infanthood.

So I stuff her in her little diaper, and tote her to the car. She throws a fit having to get in her carseat, arching her back, screaming, stiff as a board won't sit down unless you break her knee caps, trying to get her in the chinese puzzle straps, that you have to hook perfectly together and slide in at the same time(I couldn't have just got a simple buckle) After all that, she is oddly content once strapped in. So I look at her, make sure the sun is out of her eyes, and we go to the store. Grab her diapers and a few other things and walk back to the car to follow the same ritual we had at the beginning, ending with her being happy and content after struggling to get those carseat straps buckled.

Things like this happen everyday to mothers. I don't care if your baby is an angel sent from heaven, there are going to be moments where you look at them and think, how am I even allowed to own a child?

Because Moms are many things, but they are not stupid. Mom's know that they will never live up to their own standards, and that they are never being cutsie enough, or crafty enough, or being the best teacher in the world, and cooking gourmet meals for the handsome husband, and looking gorgeous when he comes home, and the list goes ON, and ON!

So when do you ask for help? WHO do you ask for help. And will help ever find you? Because I have found, that no matter where you are (if you do get to sneak away for a bit) you are constantly thinking about that little baby of yours, wondering if she is okay, and if she is safe, if she is hungry, happy, sad, driving her dad beserk! All the more making a little vacation, not even relaxing.

I have found it is even more stressful for me to leave my little gum-drop, then to stay with her. And here is where I found the secret.

Moms love their children, no matter what.

All of the annoyance, and frusturation and exhaustion and the never feeling good enough, the never feeling perfect enough, doesn't compare to the feeling of love you have for the child. It's almost an annoying love. The kind of love that you have no matter what, and it annoys you. It's an unconditional love. And I never realized quite what that meant until having my sweet angel Amrielle. When I heard unconditional love, I always thought "Wow, that is a powerful love" I thought of paper hearts and doing everthing right and everything sweetly and nicely. No, no, no, no. Unconditional love, is where in any condition that person is in, upset, raging!, depressed, sad, excited, happy, curious, interested, confused. You always love them. A love that is all encompassing for one complete individual. Your child. A love that no matter how things are, good or bad you can't help loving, worrying, caring about, this little being that made your life turn upside down yet somehow helped you percieve life clearer than you ever could with out the flip.

SO, when is it okay to ask for help?

Anytime. All I know is. I help myself more than anyone could. I know my daughter better than anyone ever would, I could do a better job calming her and loving her than anyone knows how. I know now, that mothers really don't need help. They are the help. They are the ones that make things better. And "They" is ME. I am that "mother" that I always counted on. And I am the one that gets hugged, and clingged to, and the one who cries when her baby first rolls over, or crawls, or stands up, or claps or waves. I AM THE ONE.

And once I saw that. I realize that my baby doesn't just rely on me, for basics. She love me unconditionally. And as I cry when I write this I see that all of the stress is worth having someone love you and want you, even when you are mean, and unhappy, and bored, and stressed.

I am lucky to have seen this now. And I want everyone to know that I love my daughter, and I love my husband. And I am so grateful that I saw the light in all the darkness of trying to escape this life. Yes every mother deserves a night out to do her own thing. But making it seem like everyday is hell, (which I have been doing) is just not healthy or correct. Everyday is such a blessing.

The question shouldn't be "When is it okay to ask for help?" the question should be "How much help can I help?"

And I know, that somehow, after all that giving, you will never have more rewards.

Deciding how to live your life.

It has been months since I have written on my blog. Alot has happened. I think the last time I wrote was more than 4 months ago. But it has been crazy! We have recently moved, again, into a two bedroom duplex in a great location in albuquerque. Having a seven month old and trying to put everything in its place is not ideal. Especially since she has started the attachment phase of her life. She cries for me to hold her constantly, and my back is not having it. Espcially since we found out we are pregnant again:) yep, we are having another baby due June 12, 2012. Because of this pregnancy my milk supply for Amrielle has been diminished and she is not growing enough or fast enough, she is below the 3% of her age group and it has been a growing stress. She eats bananas, and sweet potato, and eats ALOT, but then she is constipated because she is not getting enough liquids from my milk. So I have been researching what I could supplement her with. SO many different views on supplements by-the-way. She also doesn't like a bottle anymore. As you can see the stress is building and building. Oh and add BROKE to that mix.

So being five months pregnant and having a skinny almost 8 month old, living on a strict budget and worried about my childrens health and well being. I have been stressed to the max. I needed a way to fix it and this is where deciding how to live your life comes in to play.

So here are 6 things I have decided.

I have decided...

1. I don't want to be stressed. I want to be happy and calm and collected. Knowing and (when I don't know) finding out what is best for me and my family. Just having faith that things will work out.

2. I am extremly happy about this new baby. I tell you this not because it isn't true, but because people don't think I mean it. Many people I tell are shocked and awed that I got pregnant so quickly after my first baby's birth. They either think I am irresponsible, crazy, completely horny as could be. (may be true, my husband is amazing:)) or they think that it is a joke, an accident, that we don't want to have this baby. And to me that breaks my heart. I worked so hard through my first pregnancy talking and singing and being so excited for my baby to come, and now I have tried hiding my belly, not telling my husbands family (his sister just had a miscarraige), and trying to show people that although we are not exactly financially prepared, it is US in the situation, not them. We will figure things out. And we are so humbled and grateful that we are going to have another addition so quickly and so amazingly in our family. So deciding that it is OUR life, and that God is helping us, has made this new baby such a blessing. We know that it is a crazy situation and that it doesn't happen all the time. But we are lucky enough to experience it.

Who wouldn't want another baby like her?!


3. Having a fat belly is totally in right now... not really, and probably not ever. But to me, having a fat belly when everyone thinks I am supposed to be losing all that baby weight is just funny to me. I think alot of people at church think "boy she let herself go!" and other such things, but I know a secret that they don't. Being five months pregnant will do that to a girl. They will soon find out when we bring the new addition to church around june:) or when they see my 8 months huge belly and hopfully have some common sense.

4. Never having extra money to spend, just makes decisions easier. You just ask yourself "can I afford that?" and the answer is always "NO." It makes it so much easier when faced with the spoils of the world.

5. Not having friends I can hang out with, simply gives me more time to spend with my family.

6. Being completely satisfied with your sometimes unsatisfying life, is the decison that is hardest. I just want to realize deep inside that none of the things that are bombarding me are as important as what really matters. Yes i want a new couch and a million new clothes, and makeup and perfume and deocrations to make my new place exactly the home that I want. But what is really important is my family sticking together. Who cares if my house is horribly decorated. When it comes down to it what would I rather have? The support of a loving husband, or a beautiful sectional? Which lasts longer? Being kind, loving and honest. Or having a different outfit everyday of the week. Going out to eat at restaurants every night or a homecooked meal with good food that fills your belly and soul, and gives me something to do all day. Is there anything better than laughing, sleeping and talking, or being out in nature to see what God had created for me, for free? I think not. And I think that for once I am seeing that beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

So yes, over all, there are many things that I want and can't have. But I now realize there are things that I need which are right in front of me and free for the taking.